Looks can be deceiving.
Truth be told, I’ve always given off the impression that I’m ‘ignorant’, I’ve been told that I have that ‘look’ when you first meet me, that may make you think, I’m a bitchy cold faced person. It’s obviously just my face. But is it?
Anxiety stole my identity, it takes over me, it’s the loudest voice in the room, not yours. So when people speak to me or meet me, I may not be in the very same place as them, or even in that moment. In that moment, suddenly, I’m re-living all my insecurities, going through some phase of paranoia and sudden self-doubt.
My body starts to over-react suddenly. I instantly start sweating, my heart is beating so fast that I could swear if you look close enough, you will see it beating out of my chest, my brain is quoting the lion kings zebra, ‘panic & run’ , ‘panic and run’ , the room starts swaying and I feel ready to just drop. My hands are trembling as is my voice.
I know what is happening, my instinct is to just remain calm. So when your calling me a cow or ignorant, truth is, I’m just trying to hold it all together in THAT MOMENT.
I am a sufferer of general and social anxiety.
Motherhood called me out on my resting bitch face.
How did motherhood call me out on my illness?
Motherhood means you are now responsible for this tiny human being, you need to be able to put them first. After I gave birth to Alex I felt like I was completely lost, I convinced myself a lot of this anxiety and nervousness was down to just ‘hormones’. Then one day I knew it was much bigger than that.
I started going through a phase of feeling alone, even though in the beginning we had constant callers & I had people around me a lot.
It really geared up when I started getting out, I’d go out for a walk/or into town to browse. Once it was just me & Alex walking the dog, then I felt safe, no people to talk too. If I met somebody along the way , I would head straight home & tell myself , ‘I never want to do that again’.
If I had plans with friends, the closer the time came to go, suddenly “these 4 walls” were convincing me that this is the only place I really need to be. Last minute excuses and cancelled plans started becoming a habit.
I isolated myself from my friends because it was exhausting enough putting on a show at home & holding myself together.
I constantly had a gut wrenching feeling of doom & anxiousness. there would be a build up of fear about general things, daily tasks & going out. I was having palpitations, heavy chest, uncontrollable sweating, headaches, light-headedness, Nausea & upset tummy, even just going out to get milk! Something clicked and I felt this couldn’t be right. Once such a normal simple task was now a dark cloud full of dread that lurked over me each day. I started to hide in separate rooms in my house when people called.
I tried doing a night away from the house with my partner, but the same happened, I was convinced I was coming down with something. Before it was time to leave the hotel room, I started burning up & shaking, the room was spinning and I was close to vomiting. This was the start of my major panic attacks.
Alex saved me from myself.
I was eventually able to go to my doctor, what pushed me was Alex , I’m a mother now & I want to be at my best for my little boy.
I found the courage just by looking at his happy little head & contagious smiles each day. He doesn’t even realise that he saved his Mummy from future issues. I would probably just have accepted what was going on and waited for it to pass and made my health 100 times worse.
My anxiety manifested from my pregnancy as I had problems & complications throughout. After the birth I thought it would go away on its own. But months after it was only building & started to consume me. The fear was real & it was winning. WAS.
Take back control.
Medication is what I need at this time, however, I have decided that at the end of the month I am going to talk with my doctor about coming away from the meds and getting back on track. We have a holiday coming up and its without baby, so it wont be until after that, that I will start taking steps on this.
I will be blogging my progress ( or lack of ), whatever the outcome, I will be honest through it all.
If you feel you suffer with anxiety of any shape or form, don’t feel like there is noting you can do & certainly don’t sit back and accept this is your life now. Now is the time for you to put your foot down and say ‘I’ve had enough’ . Step by step, day by day, things will get better with a little bit of help. You can take back control. I believe I can too.
Ex Oh (xo)