I Don’t Have A Nervous System, I Am A Nervous System.
My anxiety is at large & for now it’s in charge, unfortunately.
Its a constant battle between my mind and well, my mind, literally. I actually have a ringing my ears and pressure headaches the past few days since it rose its beastly head.
My battle stepped outside of my mind and into my body as a panic attack a few days ago. I haven’t had a major panic attack in a long time. I tend to deal with them on my own, I am able to control them. However, this was one that took me down a dark hole, squeezed my throat and chest and I had no power. I cried, slept & cried some more.
This condition, I now feel has found its forever home. It has put the gut wrenching feeling right back into my body and I’m constantly awaiting the next one. The battle isn’t just dealing with the physical world around me, both battle and trigger is my own mind, my own thoughts. Except I don’t feel like they are ‘my own’. That’s what scares me. There is quiet time in everyone’s day or evening, this is when I feel like the ‘visitors’ just let themselves in. I feel jumpy and restless throughout the last few days, the stomach pains are just delightful.
It has taken one set back, to really set me back.
This Is Not How I Planned To Bug You For Our Foreseeable Future.
I have read that people with anxiety can recognize when their thoughts are going dark. I have lately seen the pitch dark. I feel like its ‘so obvious’ yet at the same time, well hidden.
I am also struggling with feeling and believing that my partner is on board. Don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing, he listens if I ask , sometimes I cant explain it to him because sometimes I don’t understand it myself. I do a lot of this ‘managing’ alone, by choice & yet somehow I expect him to be a mind reader.
My partner doesn’t see when it’s spiralling. This makes me feel alone. Although, if I’m hiding a bad day, how is he supposed to see the changes?
I know it is not his fault.
Mental illness is nobody’s fault. When one person is affected in a relationship, it can be hard on both people.
He doesn’t understand and I cant explain. I sometimes don’t understand it, so why do I expect him too. He can’t win and I can’t explain. Sound familiar anyone?
What we want & need. (Me, the partner with anxiety)
- We want them (partners) to TRY understand, we want them to ask questions, we want to see them making an effort & looking for the answers by reading & learning about anxiety.
- We need to see them put in the effort to learn how and what ways this condition is affecting us.
- We really need you to understand that we can’t function on the phrase ‘living in the moment’ .We need decisions made, plans in action and preparation well ahead of anything.
This way, we don’t have to have anxiety about our anxiety, which can lead to………o yeah, like mentioned above, anxiety.
- We want to see that your interested in our well-being and for ‘our’ (relationship) happiness too.
- We genuinely want the “managing” thing easier on both people.
We may be a little less snappy if your learning alongside us about what it is to live in constant battle and wrestling matches from when we open our eyes until close.
We do understand that it takes a lot of patience and is a big ask, try remember your partner never asked for this either.
If we see you showing some understanding and see your interest then a weight may be lifted off. We may feel like we have one worry less.
What we don’t want. (what we don’t cope well with)
Never ever tell us to “just get over it” or to “just relax” …. If it was that simple, then we wouldn’t be in this current situation. (errrr right?)
Tough love doesn’t feel like love to people like us. Every word that is said to us is taken literally, sentences, conversations get repeated around in our heads over and over, so we ask that you try be simplistic and gentle with your way and choice of words.
We know its difficult to empathize with us, we just ask that you try your best to understand and be patient.
Again, I would like to stress, mental illness is No-ones fault. It is hard on both people involved and the people around us also.
Ex Oh (xo)